Let’s Talk About Depression

We can all agree on that depression sucks. It’s a feeling of emptiness you can’t really explain to anyone and whenever you try to actually explain it you end up  getting frustrated because there are too many feelings and things behind it. Or well, that’s at least how I feel it’s like.

Depression has definitely been the most difficult things I’ve struggled with in my life. It started in August 2017 and whenever I think back I still don’t know what triggered it. I was feeling good before that. Or well, I thought so. I had just arrived back home from my trip to Japan and it really sucked being back in Denmark. Such a boring country where everyone sees in black and white. The only things I was excited about was seeing my boyfriend and family again. But everything felt weird when I was back. I felt like everything was unrealistic and that I was trapped in an animation because everyone just seemed so “uptight and fake”. Then I started taking distance from my friends because I felt like no one were truly being themselves. It may seem like I have just been acting paranoid but that’s honestly just how I felt. From there everything just clashed together. Other things in my life started to bug me even more. I started hating myself. I felt anxious whenever I was alone. Even though I had my boyfriend I still felt alone because I was so worried about him leaving me. There wasn’t anything wrong in our relationship but I got fed up with all the unnecessary worries and insecurities. That’s when the depression started. Crying everyday, questioning myself, overthinking. I stopped doing the things I used to enjoy.  It wasn’t long before the suicidal thoughts and the self harm began. I felt like doing harm to myself would help me bear with the pain in another way. I was  doubting myself in so many ways and I felt like I was nothing worth. I just wanted the mental pain to end and I was tired of it. My body and mind was tired of it. I didn’t want to live anymore, I felt guilty and I felt like a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and a bad daughter. I just felt like a bad person. The depression was killing me. My mind was always trying to find reasons to have a bad day because I was so used to being negative. My boyfriend was always trying to make me think positive but it was hard. He was doing so much for me yet I couldn’t even try to think positive. I hated myself for that. And there you go, another reason to why I felt like I didn’t deserve anything. It was like the depression was whispering to me that it would be sticking with me all the time. Like it was sucking my mood and energy out of me just like a leech. It was like an endless circulating nightmare for me.

The most annoying thing about it was probably that whenever I felt alone and had reached the peak of sadness, I wasn’t even alone. The depression was with me. That’s the only companion I had at my peak times. That’s why I hated being alone. That’s why I started being clingy with my boyfriend. I had no others I trusted enough to want me to spend time with them during my breakdown. I depended on him because he was the only place I could find happiness and safety. He is certainly one of the reasons why I’m not depressed any longer. But another reason is also myself. I have been fighting my own battle. Sometimes I felt like I had lost but then I just needed to get up and try again. Then  I owned it. I owned myself and I owned the depression. I’ve learned that if you want to change something in your life that you are unhappy about, the only thing that can do anything about it is yourself. I was tired of visiting the psychiatrists every week without getting anything out of it and that’s where I thought “This doesn’t benefit me”. I need change. Only I know how I can feel better because I know what exactly is bothering me.

Do something for yourself. Be strong. I know it’s hard and easier said than done but it just takes a bit courage and a powerkick to change your situation. You can do it. I promise, it’s gonna feel good to just be able to say “Take that!” to your depression. It’s going to understand that it has no longer right to stick around anymore. You are your own person and no sadness or unhappy thoughts should have control of you. You deserve more and better.

Till this day I thank God for where I am now and how far I’ve strived in my mental state. I thank Him for having my best friend and lover by my side during the difficult times. I thank Him for being with me and showing me that I am never alone.

Of course I still have my ups and downs but I am working on it. Because I want to do something for myself. I am growing and I am proud of myself. I don’t want to live with that empty feeling all my life. I have better things to do. So do you.

Thank you for reading.

!!! important !!!

If there is anyone feeling down or going through some difficulties, be free to message me. I will listen.

Advertisements

God

Thank you for taking time to read this.

This is my first post ever and I thought to myself: What should my first post be about? Something exciting? Something relevant? Something to keep the reader’s attention? I chose none of them. I decided I want to post about something exciting and relevant for myself. Something that can keep my attention and something that keeps me going. This is my blog and I won’t force myself to write anything that I feel like I am demanded to do for other’s sake. I created this blog so I can express what’s on my mind and share it with others. That’s why my first post is going to be about something I love. About God.

I haven’t been a Christian all my life. I recently converted in December 2017. My boyfriend is a hardcore Christian and he helped me with introducing me to God. My family are Thai buddhists so I also grew up being a buddhist. I’ve never really been religious. I just went to the temple whenever my family did. I only prayed at big ceremonies and not because I believed in it  but because I saw it more like a “cultural tradition”. I felt like if I didn’t follow what my family believed in it would be a sign of disrespect and since respect is a very important thing in our culture I wasn’t obligated to have a different opinion than them. I’ve always felt that there was a God but I just didn’t think about it enough to make my mind develop a thought about what kind of God. That there actually is a loving God in our presence.

When I met my boyfriend he had told me he was a Christian but I didn’t really think about it too much. I didn’t care. I liked him so anything else didn’t matter. 10 months into our relationship I had a very bad depression. Things were hard and I started questioning life. I starting questioning God. I started questioning what was right and wrong. I was in such a bad place that I tried praying. I thought to myself “I’m going through a hard time so I can at least try praying”. I had seen my boyfriend pray lots of time before. Before eating, before sleeping and in the morning. So I just tried to do what he did. I remember that first prayer. I was praying to God that if He really was here He had to help me. He had to show me that everything was going to be okay. He had to show me what was right and what was wrong. Then he showed me. I started feeling these small moments when I felt like my prayer actually had been heard. I started feeling like there was a God. After that I started going to night church with my boyfriend. I started praying everyday. I asked my boyfriend lots of things about Christianity which he helped me with. I started getting more knowledge about Jesus and his life journey. I started a relationship with God. It helped me through my depression. I felt He was there for me whenever I felt alone.

Today I still suffer from some difficult problems but I no longer feel depressed. Because I know the Lord is with me. He will make a way for me no matter what and I know He will help me fix my problems. As long as I follow his way. He has shown me so many signs that He is here. Signs that all people are able to notice. That can simply be the act of stranger’s kindness. The air that we breathe. The reason that we are here on earth right now. He is everywhere as well as His love for us. I really feel like I am living for something now. I live for God. I now know what’s right and what’s wrong. I still have a lot of things to learn and a lot of things I question but I am learning. I am trying to study the Bible as much as I can and understand it. I pray to God everyday to guide me further. And He is doing so. The thing with choosing between being a catholic or protestant etc. I haven’t chosen to decide between labels of religion. I don’t feel comfortable between choosing sides right now. Maybe one day I will choose between those, I don’t know. But for now I am simply a follower of Jesus. Nothing else. I get a feeling of happiness and positivity I haven’t felt before when knowing I have God in my life. It’s a wonderful feeling and I wish that feeling for everyone else. May God Bless you and all love to you.

/shout out to my lovely boyfriend