We can all agree on that depression sucks. It’s a feeling of emptiness you can’t really explain to anyone and whenever you try to actually explain it you end up getting frustrated because there are too many feelings and things behind it. Or well, that’s at least how I feel it’s like.
Depression has definitely been the most difficult things I’ve struggled with in my life. It started in August 2017 and whenever I think back I still don’t know what triggered it. I was feeling good before that. Or well, I thought so. I had just arrived back home from my trip to Japan and it really sucked being back in Denmark. Such a boring country where everyone sees in black and white. The only things I was excited about was seeing my boyfriend and family again. But everything felt weird when I was back. I felt like everything was unrealistic and that I was trapped in an animation because everyone just seemed so “uptight and fake”. Then I started taking distance from my friends because I felt like no one were truly being themselves. It may seem like I have just been acting paranoid but that’s honestly just how I felt. From there everything just clashed together. Other things in my life started to bug me even more. I started hating myself. I felt anxious whenever I was alone. Even though I had my boyfriend I still felt alone because I was so worried about him leaving me. There wasn’t anything wrong in our relationship but I got fed up with all the unnecessary worries and insecurities. That’s when the depression started. Crying everyday, questioning myself, overthinking. I stopped doing the things I used to enjoy. It wasn’t long before the suicidal thoughts and the self harm began. I felt like doing harm to myself would help me bear with the pain in another way. I was doubting myself in so many ways and I felt like I was nothing worth. I just wanted the mental pain to end and I was tired of it. My body and mind was tired of it. I didn’t want to live anymore, I felt guilty and I felt like a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and a bad daughter. I just felt like a bad person. The depression was killing me. My mind was always trying to find reasons to have a bad day because I was so used to being negative. My boyfriend was always trying to make me think positive but it was hard. He was doing so much for me yet I couldn’t even try to think positive. I hated myself for that. And there you go, another reason to why I felt like I didn’t deserve anything. It was like the depression was whispering to me that it would be sticking with me all the time. Like it was sucking my mood and energy out of me just like a leech. It was like an endless circulating nightmare for me.
The most annoying thing about it was probably that whenever I felt alone and had reached the peak of sadness, I wasn’t even alone. The depression was with me. That’s the only companion I had at my peak times. That’s why I hated being alone. That’s why I started being clingy with my boyfriend. I had no others I trusted enough to want me to spend time with them during my breakdown. I depended on him because he was the only place I could find happiness and safety. He is certainly one of the reasons why I’m not depressed any longer. But another reason is also myself. I have been fighting my own battle. Sometimes I felt like I had lost but then I just needed to get up and try again. Then I owned it. I owned myself and I owned the depression. I’ve learned that if you want to change something in your life that you are unhappy about, the only thing that can do anything about it is yourself. I was tired of visiting the psychiatrists every week without getting anything out of it and that’s where I thought “This doesn’t benefit me”. I need change. Only I know how I can feel better because I know what exactly is bothering me.
Do something for yourself. Be strong. I know it’s hard and easier said than done but it just takes a bit courage and a powerkick to change your situation. You can do it. I promise, it’s gonna feel good to just be able to say “Take that!” to your depression. It’s going to understand that it has no longer right to stick around anymore. You are your own person and no sadness or unhappy thoughts should have control of you. You deserve more and better.
Till this day I thank God for where I am now and how far I’ve strived in my mental state. I thank Him for having my best friend and lover by my side during the difficult times. I thank Him for being with me and showing me that I am never alone.
Of course I still have my ups and downs but I am working on it. Because I want to do something for myself. I am growing and I am proud of myself. I don’t want to live with that empty feeling all my life. I have better things to do. So do you.
Thank you for reading.
!!! important !!!
If there is anyone feeling down or going through some difficulties, be free to message me. I will listen.